Disappointment hits hard, right in the core of the soul.

What a somewhat uneventful day today.

Had a gay argument with Ganesh over some part-time job stuff.

Partly my fault because I don't like working in that line.

The customers at the Hello Kitty Store was bad experience enough, if you know what I was saying.

Then, as me and Taibo were walking around, we tend to notice people staring at us like as if they are going to kill us.

Doesn't feel weird?

It does when a guy on a bike with a black shirt sticks up the middle finger at you for no apparent reason.

Then comes the disappointment of the day.

I finally finished my checkup.

The doctor says I have Chronic Glomerulonephritis, or Chronic GN for short.

From what I read on wikipedia, its not really that dangerous.

Then again, I read from this other website, it says this:

Chronic GN is the terminal stage of the disease, and it is one of the important causes of chronic renal failure. And, interestingly, the patient may directly /suddenly report to the physician with the symptoms of chronic GN, without passing through either the acute/subacute phase of the disease. Further, most of the time, a previous history of sore throat may also not be available. Therefore, the occult nature of the disease is clear both in the subacute and chronic stages of this ailment.

Seriously, I'm lost.

It says "Terminal Stage", which somewhat means "near the end".

HAH!

But if something happens, I might have kidney failure.

That's something to be sad about now.

Because of this, I can't find a girlfriend that easily now.

Ahh, that sucks.

Well, somewhat a shotgun to the chest.

Then after I read my letter from SAF in my letterbox, it was another shotgun to the head.

I'm certified PES E9/L9.

Simply put, I'm certified 1 PES level higher than F, which is exemption from the army.

After training so hard for a gold in my NAPFA, I'm still getting this.

Perhaps someone out there thinks I'm probably emo-ing now, thinking who's going to miss me when I die or stuff like that.

As much as I want to emo...

Sorry, I stopped emo-ing ever since Secondary school.

Feeling sad is definitely something I'm experiencing now.

Other than expecting people to say stuff like:

"HAHA! Weak shit. Can't even go shoot water in CD."

"Eh, lousy leh. Blood from your penis. Then become clerk."

And all those other looking-down quotes.


I guess I've learnt a lot from my mother then.

I have to learn to accept that I cannot do anything because of this.

Yes, my urine has red blood cells detected in it. But the problem lies in my kidney.

And its not my choice to become a clerk.

I want to hold a SAR21.

I want to fire live rounds.

I want to be an officer, because I told someone I will become one for that person if I can.

All those seems bleak now.


I may not be as well off as everyone around.

I don't even have the chance to do what some people can do.

But I know as long as I try my dang best to do what I can for what I want,

I'd have done it with no regrets.

After so long, everything is beginning to change.

Its been 3 months since the last post.

A single blink of an eye, its August already.

And its been nearly 8 months since I made my NS checkup. Gonna have to wait till tomorrow where my checkup would be finished at TTSH.

Seriously hope I can get in around October. I'm practically wasting time sitting and idling around at home or at the mall.

Not to mention, I'll come out early if I enter early.

And better still, I hope I get into the ARMY instead of Police or Civil Defence.

The way how the government handles stuff with NS anyway, will always piss someone off.

Nuff talk about the army.

Let's see..

The last post was during the graduation.

Still got the pictures. Don't think I'm going to upload them here though. Sorry bout that.

Its on my Facebook. You can take a look there.

Right after graduation, I finished my part-time job for like half a month.

Dang lazy of me to work.

I focused on my driving lessons fully.

1 month of pure driving lessons almost 3-4 times per week.

Then, after that chapter, I started to see people going missing.

Other than the closest people around me going army, some were already in the workforce.

Everyday for them was this one word.

"Busy"

Don't like the idea of visiting them at work, nor calling them.

I fear I might disrupt their work, or cause them trouble. Heh.

Spent 2 weeks playing games and I felt distracted, which is somewhat good in some ways.

After so long, I felt that I should really start working out.

Since I'm not working, might as well prepare myself.

For something.

Army? My future?

Its been like 4-5 days since I've been doing exercises late in the night where its cooler.

Now the whole body's sore.

Not to mention, I'm rushing exercises, might injure some parts of my body if I don't do it correctly.

Starting to see a slight change. Maybe a slight light line coming out.

Currently stopping exercises for a while to let the sore muscles heal before I begin again.

I'm definitely happy and relieved for the peeps around me.

Haziq is gonna finish his SISPEC soon. Maybe even going for ASLC.

Ganesh is going to Korea for the World Taekwondo Hanmadang Competition.

Hopefully, he sets up something there in motion for our trip in 2 years to come.

JS is in army. Doing well, which is definitely good to hear.

Joni is... continuing studies? Ahh, he's fine.

Chun is gonna go in army in another 2 months time.

Eileen is working. She seems somewhat happy working. And she got in a university. Definitely great.

I wonder what the rest like Kevin and Huihui are doing though. Didn't really find out.



Sometimes, I feel...

Oh wait, I HAVE no one to talk about things that exists or linger in my mind.

The only thing that listens is this blog. Its where I can type out everything I want to let out.

And the blog listens. Shows. Publishes.

Most on the fact that the stuff I talk about are more towards what is happening to the planet.

Stuff that Ganesh talks are mostly business-minded.

Stuff that Joel talks are army-minded.

While the rest have topics way far off than me.

I'm on Uranus while they are at Earth.

Everyone says from the looks of it, I'm not even gonna get a girlfriend even at the age of 30.

Ganesh keeps saying my girlfriend has got to be some hot model because my standards are set way too high.

Though I somehow feel my standards aren't really that high.

People keep telling me this.

"You don't need to find one to be forever with. Its just for experience."

Or something across that line if you understand what it means.

Summarized, it means "Playing around".

But this question that I've always held in my mind stands up to this.

"How would the other party feel when he/she has really loved you so?"

Sure, both men and perhaps even women play around.

But when you put yourself in the losing end, how would you feel if someone plays with you?

I've been a bit angry and frustrated at how people are mocking me.

Telling me all the excuses I've been saying to evade questions.

And its somewhat true, I agree.

Its all excuses to evade the questions.

Then they start making fun of how the excuses I make relate to them.

Which the event has never happened to them before.

I get angry, yet I can't do anything but to place it and fill it up into a large mentally created bottle.

It overflows everytime, but I just cannot do anything.

Except to clean up the mess that I've created.

Some keep saying of how my body looks like a block of wood.

Static and unchanged.

It sounds somewhat funny, but its a bit offensive when its overdone.

But I can't do anything about it.

Because when I think about it seriously, its the truth.

I lack the courage to do everything. That, which includes talking.

Not just to women, but also to everyone.

I don't want to say something wrong, and lose a friend I've known for so long.

Its not that I don't want to try, but I don't like the idea of failing again.

It takes quite some time for me to stand up once I fall down.

Graduation! The Wonderful 3 Years with EI0603.

Alright. Having some free time now.

Okay, maybe a lot of free time.

Anyhoo, it was my Graduation Ceremony a few days back.

Got some pictures to upload. Finally some pictures here, Peilin.

Well... I'm not gonna upload any pics until I get the whole lot of it. So, be patient.

And I'm somewhat a bastard to ask people to take photos, and I don't have a camera myself.

Sorry lah.... No money buy good camera. Unless someone wants to buy me a Canon D40, I don't mind.

Gotta love those manual zoom digital cameras. Just love em.

And I just found out. Currently, I only have 12 pictures for Graduation.

Oh, that sucks.

Whereas Kenneth has around 30++ of it.

Blame myself. Lol.

Gotta bring my family around the school. This is like the first time they've been there.

Did I mention that it was also the first time they've seen my poly friends?

I'll miss poly life. Definitely.


You know.

Somehow, I feel that I've learnt so much about people around.

I've learnt, seen and felt how it feels like to place oneself in another's shoe.

I've learnt how to care and worry for people.

I've learnt to help people, even to the point of somewhat, destroying my mind and body.

In fact, I feel that 2 months of rest is not enough to recover the energy I've lost in the past 3 years.

I still feel tired and I want to rest more.

But something, or perhaps someone is hinting me this.

There's no stopping. In the end, I still need to move on.

Yet, after learning all these in the past 20 years, I haven't learnt the few most important things perhaps I might need in the next 40-50 years to come.

I don't know about myself.

I don't know about the feelings that I show and exude to people.

I don't know how to help and think about myself.

I might be able to care and worry for people, but I can't really love another person.

Not probably again after all the failures which didn't even make it to the beginning.

Its the big 2-0 in another 3 months time.

The next decade begins from then.

What do I do?

Some scientific knowledge from my memory, for sharing.

Ahh... The dead blog.

Heh. Bored for now, so I'll revive it for a bit.

I'm not sure to people, but somehow to me, I feel that I'm speaking too much when I'm talking about scientific knowledge about the world.

Specifically, The World and the Outer Space.

I should say, I'm really not boasting when I do that. Its just sharing some knowledge around.

But if you take it that way, I'm really sorry. But no offence, seriously.

Its just knowledge I learnt from 3 years of reading in news and Wikipedia.

Sooo... Here we go!

Firstly, Global Warming.

Been a bit hot lately in Singapore isn't it?

Well, perhaps it doesn't really apply only to Singapore. The highest temperature I saw in Korea was 20 degrees.

For a country that has degrees which could go as low as 5 degrees, 20 degrees is somewhat hot over there.

We can definitely feel it. The burning temperature of 34 degrees in Singapore.

Which I think is mostly attributed to the season of Summer in this period of the year.

So, its not really a big problem now. But if it stays like that till October or December, there's something to worry about.

Anyhoo, back to the main topic.

On the Global Warming, of course.

Surely you guys know about how it affects the temperature. We shall skip that.

Did you know an Ice shelf broke off in the Arctic?

An ice shelf is a large floating platform of ice on the Arctic. Think of it as a floating island made out of ice. The sizes of ice shelves that break off from a whole platform can be as big as the size of Rhode Island.

How does this affect us?

Well, the ice shelf won't really melt. Its not on the ice part. Instead, the ice in the arctic reflects light back to outer space, which is somewhat beneficial.

But when an ice shelf breaks, there is a space of water created between the ice shelves. Heat from the sun is allowed to warm up the areas of water between the ice shelves. Instead of heat from the sun, the heat from the water, melts the ice faster.

This in turn, dumps more water into the ocean. Even though salt water is more dense than pure water in ice, the water still has to end up somewhere right?

This dumping of water, increases the sea levels. Slowly, but surely it will rise. By 1mm, then 5mm. Then long enough, it becomes 1cm to maybe 3 or 4cm.

Imagine sea levels to rise to the length of your handphone, or maybe your wallet.

Next up, just a piece of news.

The glaciers, or caps of ice on the Himalayas, is expected to melt completely by the year 2036. I'd be around 47 years old by then.

Instead of just ice shelves, glaciers also contribute to the rise in sea levels.

Mehh, next up. Tsunamis.

No seriously, its really hard to see a wave so high up formed through natural means. Like maybe 100 feet in the air?

The concept of waves is that each time, the gravity from the moon, pulls the waves up. Then as the moon moves, the gravity "disappears" and the waves come down again.

In a tsunami instead, it is caused by earthquakes or erupting undersea volcanoes.

How?

Imagine yourself placing your hands together under the surface of the water in a tub. Then, you open your hands slowly while maintaining the hands under the surface. You should see the water rushing in to fill in the space you created for about 2 seconds with your hands. The water that fills in clashes with water coming in from the other side, creating a big ripple.

On the tub, it looks like a small ripple. On Earth, that ripple is worth about 5 storeys high.

Another scenario.

In an earthquake, the crusts can slip beside each other, or one side of the crust can rise while the other goes downwards. Now, imagine you have a hand underneath the water in a tub. Raise your hand slowly up to the surface and you can see a small gush of water coming upwards to the surface. This is called water displacement. The water gushing upwards is displaced to the surrounding areas where the crusts are at the same level instead of the crust that has risen due to the earthquake.

Due to water displacement, the excess amount of water will travel to cover up the other areas of water that are not on the same water level. Upon travelling, the speed of the water travelling creates waves. The further it travels, the bigger the wave. Water is taken in to flow with the wave. Which is why you have your receding shoreline minutes before the big wave crashes.

Undersea volcanoes work the same way to cause tsunamis. Volcanoes erupt sometimes due to water that enter the volcanic lava within a volcano.

What happens when water boils?

Bubbles and steam are created, which rises and brings up lava. The amount of steam and bubbles creates the eruptions.

In an earthquake, the eruptions somewhat create a displacement of the water in the ocean due to the eruption from the volcano.

Pretty cool?

Dunno about you guys, but its interesting to me.

I'm tired anyways. I'll continue about the outer space part sometime soon.

Nights!

Choices.

Been long since I last posted.

Aishh... I should really post some pics up soon.

Maybe I'll get a few from Zeke soon...

Weather's been real hot and warmer recently. Top temperatures reaching 33 degrees and the lowest is 26 degrees.

I finally began driving lessons again. From my uncle. As in real uncle.

And I like his way of teaching. Hope I'll really get better.

Facebook Apps are the way to go when you're bored at home.

Either that, or some old school games like Starcraft with a few buddies can be a way to pass the time.

Anyhoo, I went to the club recently.

TO GET EXPERIENCE!

I didn't drink, but I was coerced to go into the dance floor to shake that stiff booty of mine.

Interesting place, but the bleddy speakers nearly made my eardrums burst. Somehow, I went home and could still feel the bass of the stereos lingering in my ears.

Oh well, at least I made friends with Joel's classmates.

And they're really nice people.

Totally way different from the others in the club.

Those in the club could only be described with 1 word.

"Wild."

Today, I went to Mummy's Office to help her pack her stuff on her desk before going to the new location of her office.

Ate with her before going to meet Ganesh, Naveen, Joel and his classmates for dinner.

And also to celebrate Keen Hong, one of Joel's classmates birthday.

Seriously, I should just type "my friend", instead of "Joel's classmates".

Anyone I know, is my friend mah!

Before we celebrated the "Surprise" birthday cake, we played a few games like "Mu Tou Ren/Wooden Dummy".

Ran like I've never did before.

And my calves feel the pinch of not training for a long time.

Then while we're resting, Me, Ganesh and Joel went to try out some flips and handstands.

I flew over Naveen's back, followed by Ganesh.

Then we cut the "Surprise" Birthday Cake and shared it among all of us, including the 2 security guards who lent us their lighter for the candles.

By the way, I said "Surprise" with double apostrophes because...

It was so bleddy obvious that there was a cake LAH!

But at least we celebrated!

With English, Chinese and Korean birthday songs!

After finishing the cake, we parted ways and took the train home.

I went to have some sort of a pep-talk with Joel, while Ganesh headed home.


Back to topic.

Its 5:22 am currently.

I feel damn tired. But I can't really sleep until I type this out.

This whole week, I feel that I've really learnt a lot of stuff.

Not only learnt, but also, I've seen a lot of stuff.

Saying it just like that doesn't really help I guess. I should describe it then.


Thursday, I went out for a short while with my Dad to get some A4 size paper for printing. After that, we went to have some drinks at the nearby coffeeshop. His buddies were there as usual. We sat at another table and just talked and joked as usual. I went off after finishing my drink and carried the ream of A4 papers home while my dad went to talk with his buddies.

During the conversation between my dad and me, I could see how he felt.

Joy.

Happiness.

One, because the both of us haven't had drinks together like that for a pretty long time. About a few months.

Two, we rarely talk and joke that much at home.

That expression on his face. I would never forget it.

Today, I went to meet my mum to help her pack her stuff on her workdesk as they were shifting to a new office. I enjoyed packing the stuff with her.

We jokingly scolded each other on how to place and arrange the stuff neatly into the boxes. How we slowly wrapped the computer with plastic. How she gave me tasks such as sealing the boxes which were done.

After packing, we went to have prata at a nearby stall near her office. There, we talked and talked as usual.

Oh, I communicate more to my mum than my dad.

I told her about my problem. She told me a sentence.

I'm not going to type out the whole sentence though. I'll encode it in another format.

She said something like this, "Would you rather let a person fall from a curb, or bring that person to the 12th storey to have a harder fall?"

After that, we walked back to the MRT station where I sent her off to the bus before taking the train to meet the guys.

When we reached Tampines, Ganesh went back while me and Joel went to the playground to talk.

I gave him my reason for choosing this.

Somehow, I get that feeling that the reason I gave would look like just any other reason all the other guys in the world would give just to escape from the problem.

But, this reason I gave, is the truth.

Nothing but only the truth.

One of the sentences I asked Joel was, "Would you rather act and not be yourself for your whole life, or just portray who you are, yourself?"

Then I jokingly added, "If you chose to act, before you die, do tell me. So I can give you an Oscar."

On the way back in the train, I was thinking even more harder than any other exam I have taken in my whole life.

Whether I should choose to do this or that.

I care about everyone.

Not only my family, but my friends.

I worry about how my mother can survive on just that little amount of money.

How my dad feels each time he is sick.

How my sister having not enough money.

I worry about what are the consequences of each and every action I do, every word I speak, everything I say to everyone.

Sometimes, I might make you mad.

Sometimes, I might just make you disappointed.

Even sometimes, I might make you feel sad or even cry.

Each and everytime, I really want to try my best to make everyone around me smile.

But when the problem doesn't leave me with an option, I'll choose the best choice not only for me, but for everyone.

After hearing something, this was what I replied:

Everyone was born great, to do great things. The only reason some of them aren't that great or are bad, is because of the choices that they made under some circumstances.

And for that choice, 제가저말미안해.

Lost.

Back from Genting with my parents and some of the guys on last sunday.

And I've finally decided to blog now.

Not to mention the fact that I'm extremely bored.

And lost.

We'll talk on that later though.

Won't be uploading any pics for now until I've received some the whole 950 megs of pictures we took at Genting.

Haziq went in today at 1130 hours. Seeing from the way I typed the time, you can probably infer that he went in for NS today.

Yep, that's one of us inside now. Joel's gonna "really" start NS soon. Then two down.

Soon, we'll all be inside.

Of course, I can't control myself to say how NS wastes 2 years of every man's life.

Not really on the "waste" part. I mean, we'll learn military stuff like assembling a gun, operating military vehicles or stuff like that. And not to mention, it gives us harsh physical training.

Still, one of the reasons why we need NS is such that our country can be prepared for any sort of attacks from anywhere in the world.

Attacks meaning, war, terrorism, etc. You get the point.

But if we didn't have war or terrorism and stuff like that...

Would we still require NS?


Anyhoo, change of topic.

Ever since the end of Attachment, and the CCNA Bootcamp.

Which seriously taught me more than what I've learnt in Networking in the past 3 years.

And not forgetting that...

I've passed! And got 888/1000 for my score.

How lucky.

Ever since the end of school, I've been...

Staying at home. Playing Facebook Apps and looking at youtube videos.

Going out at night. Eating, walking around, doing nothing much.

Staying up late till 4:30 am to 5:30 am playing Left 4 Dead with Joni.

Yep, that's the life of a couch potato. Feel it. Kekekekeke!

JS is working.

Ganesh, Charles and Taibo are going to start work soon.

What am I doing?

Seriously, I myself don't really quite know.

After coming back from Genting, I feel somewhat, lost.

Something that feels like, you don't know what you want to do.

You don't know where to start.

You don't know where to begin.

And you start to feel that there's nothing much to do now.

Well, I got NS coming up.

So its like I have nothing to do until my enlistment letter comes.

But I want to do something for my future.

My dream, which I haven't forgotten so.

Its like embedded and imprinted onto my head, skull and brain.

So after a long thought, I was planning to clear my driving first.

Then I'll get a job to save some money.

But looking at conditions in Singapore, it looks hard to be a Singer.

Not that Singapore doesn't have its own talents.

But its hard to become one.

And seriously, I don't know how or where to begin.

No wonder there's no guidebook on how to be a Singer or an Actor.

Somehow, I feel Singapore's too restricted. Too small to have lots of Talent Agencies.

I swear I really know, if not a lot, then a few people around me who can really sing better than me.

But we're all stuck here on this island without anywhere to try and begin.

I guess for now, I'll just have to see as it goes along.


Oh and... I somehow feel, someone's guiding me to do stuff.

Well, not the stuff about me wanting to be a Singer, YET.

But stuff like when I said I wanted to learn Korean.

An application on a Mac Desktop in Korean language appeared while I was still doing attachment and the vendor asked me if I could read Korean.

Not really surprising, but I saw Koreans at the airport sky train.

I heard and saw a Korean family communicating while I was on my way back home in the train after my Certification exam.

Korean words are the first thing that catches my eye instead of English words.

The most recent one.

A Korean family was held up at the immigrations at Malaysia while we were on our way to Genting.

Its a sign.

The end of a chapter. The beginning of a new one.

I really think I felt like an ass when I told myself,

"Okay, perhaps I'll do a post on Valentine's Day."

Which I didn't do in the end.

Then I also didn't write about the last day of my attachment.

And what I've felt all these while.

Lotsa stuff to write.

So in correct chronological order, beginning from the last day of my attachment.

Here we go!


Let's see...

The last day of attachment. Truthfully, I can't really say it was a sad day.

Neither can I say it was a happy day, since I've finished my Polytechnic life.

Well, almost.

I finished up the last of the report and handed it to the project manager. Really placed a lot of effort and concentration into doing that report, since I would not be involved in the project after that day.

After submitting the report, I went to double check on my own IPP report before I gave my supervisor, Glenn, for checking and marking.

Then, the three of us had some photo sessions in the cubicle for memories.

Then, we signed out, returned our passes and left the building.

Without looking back again.

Really, I'll never forget those people at NCS. Especially Glenn, Tom, Sze Hwee, Gerand and many more.

They provided a good experience on how working life would be in a working environment. Not to mention, they are good supervisors too.

They'll guide you, help you if you're stuck.

Really, I'm gonna miss that place. And the work there. Not to mention the place at B6 where I put my 20 and 50 cents into a machine. =X


14th February.

1 day right after the last day of my attachment.

Comes this day, which I've spent alone for the past 7 years.

Correction.

Without a companion.

A partner.

And its the same for this year again.

By the way, we went to a the pub Eskibar on the 13th. Sudden decision made by Ganesh.

And I spent 22 bucks on that Golden Coke.

But, I didn't take any alcohol at all. And I'm really happy to be able to keep my promise till now.

Not to mention the real and extreme urge to even know how Absolut Vodka, or Barcardi, or even Chivas Regal tastes like.

I can only smell them. But I really don't know what's the taste.

Reached home at around 4 am?

And literally collapsed on the bed till the next day at 3pm. Which was Valentine's Day.

Went out around 5-6pm in the evening to walk in the mall for awhile.

Really, nothing much to do. All I see are couples, flowers, balloons and more couples.

But, sometimes.

The look on the faces of couples really show some interesting things.

Went back home after.

And slayed like 500-600 zombies.

So I can officially say,

"I spent the Year 2009's Valentine's Day doing nothing and slaying 500-600 zombies."


Ah well...

Back to present day, or today.

Went out to meet Lustre.

No seriously, some of my guys are gonna laugh at me for doing this.

But mehh... They're my friends. Whether in-game or not, I've known them for nearly a year.

And they're really good people.

Interesting.

Funny.

Communicable. One of them just needs some practice though.

Still, I have expanded my social circle.

Overall, I'm glad to have known more people.

Oh and did I mention, while we were taking the group photo, people were like staring at us.

I felt like an exchange student.

(!-_-)

But still, it was a pretty good lunch with them.

Other than the fact that I'm not eating any sushi or japanese cuisine for the next 2 months.

Keke! Might be looking forward to the next outing.

Heh.

3:08 am already.

Time to sleep. Gotta study tomorrow.

Still, can't forget what thoughts I have in mind.

Up till now, I wonder how does one find someone suitable for you.

Other than just knowing the person for a long time, there are those who click exceptionally well.

I'm revealing my weakness on not being able to look directly at their face and talk to girls.

Can't really bring out any communcative speeches.

Only those single-answer-yielding questions.

I need to talk more.